Why You Can (And Should!) Argue With Your Partner

Read an exclusive excerpt from Dry Humping before it hits shelves on the 19th

Happy Hump Day! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.

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I’m also excited to share that The Dry Humping Start Guide is waiting for you! Submit your preorder receipt here to receive your PDF filled with the following:

• sobriety glossary

• sober socializing tips

• queer and sober 101

• writing prompts

• autographed book sticker sent to you via snail mail

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I’m so excited to share an exclusive excerpt from my forthcoming book with you, my loyal newsletter subscribers! 

Dry Humping is divided into thirds: 

Part 1 - Dry Dating 

Part 2 - Let’s Talk About (Sober) Sex

Part 3 - Undrunk Love

When it came time to figure out which part of Dry Humping to share with y’all, my publisher and I chose a section from the final third of the book—where I delve into what happens once you’ve consciously coupled up. 

I know many of you reading right now are single and dating—but some of you are, like me, coupled up. Dry Humping is very much for anyone and everyone who is sober, sober curious, in recovery, or simply exploring their relationship with alcohol. And how not drinking impacts your love life and personal relationships. 

So today, I’m sharing an excerpt to remind readers that just because you’ve done some sober dating, you had the sober sex, and eventually found The One(s), that doesn’t mean the work ends. That’s actually where the real work begins. A lot of that work comes from developing clear communication and healthy arguing. Yes, you heard that right. I fully endorse arguing!

In fact, I’m about to help you fight with your partner (or casual hookup) in a productive way. You ready?

Chapter 11 - Developing Clear Communication & Booze-Free Arguing

This chapter includes:

• How to have a booze-free vent sesh with your friends

• How to fight

• How to pick your battles

• The perks of proactive couples therapy

Keep reading to get a preview of the full section titled How to Fight. Plus, paid subscribers also get access to a bonus section titled Pick Your Battles.

Actual image of me reading this excerpt to you (Photo by Robert Riese Photography)

How to Fight

Fighting doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble. In fact, a respectful, productive fight can help move a relationship forward— especially when each party has a clear mind and the ability to identify their needs and adequately articulate them. There’s no perfectly frictionless relationship, especially if you’re sharing space and responsibilities; everyone will have some frustrations or tension. If you’re not letting those out, that means someone is withholding or repressing their feelings, and those emotions will eventually blow up. Withheld feelings may foment into resentment or grudges, popping up at an inopportune time.

I discussed this topic with Mary Beth o’Connor, author of From Junkie to Judge: One Woman’s Triumph Over Trauma and Addiction. She told me the most noticeable change in her relationship over twenty-nine years of sobriety is the “radical reduction in conflict between us and the increase in positive feelings for each other.” My experience was similar. once I learned how to communicate regularly, there were fewer fights, because I was able to broach difficult subjects instead of harboring resentment or holding grudges.

It’s natural to want to keep the peace or not ruin a lovely afternoon by bringing up an unpleasant topic, but talking about something important doesn’t have to be a large-scale production. I’m often surprised when I psych myself up for a big talk with my partner only to realize that the discussion needed just a few sentences of crystal-clear communication and listening to each other. Life continues to happen on life’s terms. Here are a few ways to communicate with your partner or partners instead of hoping that a glass of wine will magically erase your current complaint.

The situation: You’re upset about something they did or said and feel the need to discuss it ASAP.

Avoid: Approaching them randomly. “I can’t believe that you ______! What were you thinking?”

Try this: “Can we chat about ____ when you get a chance?” The “when you get a chance” is crucial here. Adding those five little

words to your request can work wonders. You’ve made it clear that  you want to talk about something, then put the ball in their court to come to you. Nick tells me that adding “when you get a chance” gives him time to prepare for our conversation while finishing what he’s working on. “Sometimes I want to finish what I’m doing, even if I’m just watching a video, before diving into something else,” he said. “Adding ‘when you get a chance’ lets me put our conversation on my list; then we can talk when we’re both ready, rather than dropping what I’m doing to talk immediately.”

Better yet, ask your partner (during a chill time) the best way to approach them. A few months ago, Nick told me he preferred that I email him about household chores. We agreed on a reasonable time for him to complete the task in question. You may be surprised to learn that your communication style evolves like your taste in food.

The situation: They’re not doing something you want them to do in the time frame you want them to.

Avoid: “Why haven’t you washed the dishes yet? The sink is full, and my favorite coffee mug is on the bottom.” The accusatory tone suggests that there’s no right answer to “why haven’t you____”. You’re saying that your coffee cup is more important than their reason for not washing it.

Try this: “Do you think you can commit to washing the dishes at night? Walking into a clean kitchen in the morning helps me start my day right.”

This works because it focuses on the positive outcome when they do the task at the time you’d prefer, and emphasizes why that’s important to you. Be prepared to hear reasons why that won’t work for them, and perhaps even to swap chore responsibilities if your timing needs don’t match up.

The situation: You’re frustrated by a habit of theirs.

Avoid: “You always leave your socks on the floor!” Nobody wants to feel micromanaged, especially by their beloved, especially in their own home. Speaking in absolutes like “you always” or “you never” is likely to make them defensive, since it’s rarely completely true. Then you wind up fighting over whether they really always do it, instead of about the substance of your complaint.

Try This: “When you ___, I feel _____.”

Again, focus on why the behavior matters to you, rather than starting from the assumption that they’re doing something obviously wrong. This allows you to communicate your feelings to your partner without sounding accusatory. They have no reason not to leave their socks on the floor if you haven’t communicated why you care! In early sobriety or sober curiosity, you’ll be discovering a lot of your feelings. This is a great chance to share them with your beloved.

When I was depressed and drank heavily, I didn’t care what my home looked like. But in sobriety, I’ve found that a messy home affects my mental health. I’ve had to explicitly let my partner know what I need our home to look like, and acknowledge that it’s changed. We had a talk, agreed on what we both want from our domestic space, and doled out the chores to make it possible. This is why it’s essential to establish a baseline.

If you are accustomed to loud and angry fighting, some of these calmer alternatives may feel artificial and unsatisfying at first! But while yelling may be familiar (and maybe even cathartic), you’ll find that it’s easier to actually address and fix a problem that you’ve discussed more calmly. Keeping the energy at a simmer instead of a boil allows everyone to feel heard while also leaving you in full control of your emotions.

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Pick Your Battles

We’ve all heard “pick your battles” as standard relationship advice, but how do we pick our battles? “Many couples think it’s me versus them, when it’s really us versus the problem,” therapist Amanda White reminded me. Once you identify the problem for what it is, instead of making it a referendum on your whole relationship, it can be easier to pick your battles. Remember that you and your partner(s) are a team! If the problem is dishes in the sink, it’s not me versus Nick; it’s us versus the dishes. How can we, as a team, create a system so the dishes are washed regularly?