People-Pleasing is Over
You can't set boundaries while in people-pleasing mode
I’m Tawny, author of Dry Humping and co-author of The Sobriety Deck, co-host of the Recovery Rocks podcast, and co-founder of the vinegar-based botanical beverage, (parentheses)
ICYMI
Last year I listened to a fabulous podcast interview with
. I can’t remember which podcast (I’m sorry!), but she said something that I think about daily: “My boundaries have become almost impenetrable at this point in my life.” I often develop crushes on sentences. This line obviously earned my linguistic lust.How cool, I thought, to be so aware of what you need AND to have the vocabulary to advocate for it. I, too, aspire to impenetrable levels of boundary setting. But I had to get over my people-pleasing era before I could achieve Gannon-level boundaries.
After years of researching sober (curious) sex, dating, and relationships, I realized that most people I interviewed—including myself—had no idea how to set boundaries because they had no idea how to first identify what they actually need, and second, effectively communicate what they need, and third, have the confidence to choose yourself even when this level of self-advocacy pisses people off. Boundary-setting is a language in which very few of us are fluent.
I learned through years of recovery and therapy that my people-pleasing is tied to my codependency. I grew up anticipating the needs and moods of others because it was often my responsibility to take care of everyone else. It’s how I avoided those crunchy eggshells that covered the carpet. I brought this toxic behavior into all of my adult interpersonal relationships—especially romantic relationships.
Yes, pleasing your partner(s) and friends is often part of being in relationships, but not to the point of self-destruction by putting their needs in front of your own1. I performed on dates and friendship catchups because I truly thought it was my job to be who other people needed me to be.
If someone asked me what I wanted in the bedroom, I had no way of honestly answering that question but booze gave me enough pseudo-confidence to pretend like I did. This is one of the many reasons my book is also a treatise on the role liquid courage plays in our love lives.
I can’t set boundaries when I’m in people-pleasing mode. In fact, it’s impossible to set personal boundaries when I’m prioritizing the needs of others. So, lately, I’m making it rain with boundaries. It’s a tough pill to swallow when I realize the person I actually resented this whole time was the past version of me—the person who was so insecure that she twisted herself into a pretzel to try and please every single person.
Ricky Nelson’s 1972 classic, “Garden Party,” addresses this feeling:
But it's all right now
I learned my lesson well
You see, you can't please everyone
So you got to please yourself
My relationships change the more I learn about myself—especially the more I advocate for myself. Getting sober taught me to discern my real friends from my drinking buddies. I’m experiencing something similar now that I’m done people-pleasing. I can now identify my real, ride-or-die friends from my networking friends from people who just want free publishing advice or want me to revert to my pretzel-twisting ways. Maybe boundaries are finally becoming impenetrable.
Which boundaries have you set recently?
Upcoming Writing Classes
I have two book proposal classes coming up! Book Proposal 101 is a one-night event that covers the basic elements of a book proposal, while my Book Proposal Boot Camp is a six-week intensive for folks who are ready to actually write their proposal this summer.
Here are the deets:
Book Proposal 101 VIRTUAL May 22nd, 7-9EST
Want to write a nonfiction book but have no idea where to start? Take my new virtual class! This course will help you understand what a book proposal is and how to actually enjoy writing one.
Whether you're pitching a nonfiction book or a nonfiction card deck, Book Proposal 101: Stop Dreading It and Start Writing It will help you feel empowered by the proposal process rather than overwhelmed.
OK, you might still feel overwhelmed, but you can totally do this!
Book Proposal Boot Camp VIRTUAL June 5th - July 10th, 7-9 EST
This 6-week intensive course picks up where the first one left off. In a virtual group setting, students meet with me for two hours a week to finally dust off that old Google Doc and get to work. Each week is structured so students can focus on one aspect of a book proposal at a time rather than feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing at once.
Each session ends with a 20-minute Q&A where students can ask about publishing, proposals, finding an agent, preorder campaigns, and book marketing.
Space is limited so I can intentionally guide you on your proposal journey.
XO,
Tawny
P.S. I recently launched a small batch, vinegar-based botanical drink that you should totally check out.
This gets *very* complicated when you’re in a caretaking role. Something I’ll write about in a future issue.
I relate to this so deeply! Great post.
This is a lesson I constantly am learning (and need to keep reminding myself of). I'm a people-pleaser through and through AND the person I can benefit from listening to the most is myself. I wrote "I should" first and then I realize I keep shoulding all over myself lol.