Author Interview: Emily Lynn Paulson
Emily Lynn Paulson dishes about marriage, MLMs, and motherhood in sobriety
Hey, y’all! Today’s issue of Beyond Liquid Courage is a special treat! As a celebration of Emily’s book launch, our regular Friday story for paid subscribers is FREE! If you like it, upgrade to paid to access content like this next week.
In this issue, I interview author and two-time TEDx speaker, Emily Lynn Paulson. Emily’s new book, Hey, Hun: Sales, Sisterhood, Supremacy, and the Other Lies Behind Multilevel Marketing, is a juicy tell-all about her experience in an MLM and how so much of that time was fueled by booze. (Fun fact: her first book is about sobriety and the façade of social media)
Before we dive into her interview, here’s my cringe-worthy past as an MLM rep.
I drank the Kool-aid and then poured pitchers of it for my friends and loved ones. I recruited downlines, promising people I could help them shrink their waistlines while simultaneously expanding their net worth.
They lost weight because the cleanses and shakes and pills and powders were full of diuretics and laxatives. They lost money because the MLM system is designed that way. MLMs have a 99.7% fail rate. This means 99.7% of MLM reps don’t turn a profit.
Getting sober (plus years of therapy) helped us process our problematic pasts as #bossbabes. Brainwashing is a mother fucker.
Hey, Hun is a must-read exposé of the dark world of MLMs. Emily’s past experience as an MLM rep, mixed with her background as a chemist and an advocate for the truth, takes the reader on a journey of the fascinating Venn diagram of MLMs, cults, and the virality of misinformation. Emily vulnerably shares her toxic experience in the MLM world—including details on how she exploited her cancer diagnosis and her recovery for possible sales and new recruitments. She eloquently weaves her personal narrative of alcohol abuse and isolation of SAHM (stay at home mom) life with how MLMs prey on that very isolation by offering The Answer. This book concludes by showing the reader how that same isolation (and believing you found The Answer) opens the door for other misinformation and conspiracy theories.
Emily and I were part of the problem for years, but we got out. And we both credit our sobriety for leaving. We often text each other cringey photos from our MLM #bossbabe eras. We understand each other in a very specific way because we’ve both survived two cults: MLMs and liquid courage.
Our entire conversation is a must-read, from how she found her real courage to how her orgasms changed after getting sober to how alcohol impacted her MLM career. But my favorite part?
“Many people are surprised that my husband isn’t sober, so I want people to know that you can absolutely thrive in sobriety even if the people in your life drink occasionally!”
For her advice on discussing sobriety with your non-sober partner and so much more, keep reading for the entire talk.
How do you define liquid courage?
The false sense of bravery you get by squashing your own intuition. If you need a drug to do something, is it really something you want to do? I now realize that liquid courage is simply just drowning out your real desires, trepidations, and legitimate fears that are put in place for a reason.
What role did liquid courage play in your relationship with alcohol and how do you find authentic courage now, without booze?
Oh wow, [liquid courage] was literally THE REASON I DRANK. I (falsely) thought that alcohol made me more of who I was meant to be—more fun, more sexy, more uninhibited. What it really did was take away my right to decide who I was and make the choices I wanted to make. I find courage now by asking myself, “Do I really want to do this? Do I really enjoy this? Does this benefit me/my family?”
What advice would you give to someone who relies on liquid courage to feel more confident in the bedroom or on a date?
I get it. It seems like it works! And when you go without at first, it can be awkward and vulnerable. But there is SO MUCH power in being fully present in the moment. Conversations, dates, and sex can have so much more intimacy without alcohol. Alcohol dulls memories and feelings. Orgasms are… WOW. So much better without booze.
How did you tell your husband you wanted to quit drinking?
We had a lot of alcohol-related impact on our marriage, so it was a relief in some ways when I told him, but also, there was an adjustment. Drinking kept me distracted instead of bringing up the little things that bothered me. Unfortunately, they would fester, and I would end up exploding about them later. I would seem happy and engaged during social engagements, so he’d get the benefit of having the “fun wife,” and then later, he’d realize I didn’t remember anything we were talking about.
How did he react?
He was happy for me but also timid because there is a lot of enabling that goes on with addiction in relationships. Many of our hobbies centered around alcohol! It required some creativity on our part, and it took time, but our relationship is better than ever. We now play pickleball instead of bar hopping (and yes, I still go to bars and order N/A bevs!). But overall, removing alcohol proved to be a 100% improvement in our relationship. Many people are surprised that my husband isn’t sober, so I want people to know that you can absolutely thrive in sobriety even if the people in your life drink occasionally.
What advice would you give to someone who’s scared to discuss wanting to drink less when their partner is also a heavy drinker?
Have an open mind. They may be questioning it themselves. Also, do this for yourself, while asking for support, but don’t expect them to follow your lead. That doesn’t mean they won’t, but it needs to be an innate desire to drink less. Make sure to clarify that you aren’t judging their drinking, or expecting them to change their drinking, you’re just focusing on your own.
What advice would you give someone nervous about a relationship’s sexual dynamic changing if one person stops drinking?
It can be nerve-wracking at first. Communication is key. Use it as an experiment to figure out what you really like and don’t like. Act like you’re starting over in a way. Date again, and take it slow.
You’re the mom of five fabulous kiddos! Are there any lessons you learned from sobriety and prioritizing your mental health that help you as a mom?
I didn’t realize how much alcohol was impacting my anxiety and the mental load of motherhood. I am such a better mom now, and I don’t judge who I was before, because I didn’t know better or have the tools I needed to be that person. Sobriety is the been the best thing I have ever done for myself and my family.
Are there any lessons you learned from sobriety and therapy/prioritizing your mental health that help your relationship with your husband?
Talking about everything and being honest. It sounds simple, but there is so much dishonesty that comes with addiction. Getting rid of the little white lies, talking about something that is bothering me instead of drinking it away, and asking for what I need instead of getting resentful, have strengthened our relationship so much.
How did getting sober help with your writing practice?
I wrote here and there when I drank. Again, the amount of mental energy that I devoted to drinking even when I wasn’t drinking was massive. I didn’t realize how much brain fog I had. Writing gives me joy and purpose. It gives me the dopamine rush that I used to seek out with alcohol.
Tell us about your new book, Hey, Hun: Sales, Sisterhood, Supremacy, and the Other Lies Behind Multilevel Marketing!
This book really came from my recovery. I was involved in a multilevel marketing company because I was seeking out the same things I sought out with booze: connection, an escape, etc. Once I got sober, I saw many of the problematic things I was part of, and long story short, I decided I needed to share them out loud, not only as an amends but to shed light on the industry as a whole.
In Hey, Hun, you talk about the role alcohol played in your MLM career. Did liquid courage help you feel more confident on stage? When recruiting others to join (called downlines)?
Alcohol drowned my intuition, so I said things that I wouldn’t normally say and did things I wouldn’t normally do. Yes, this led to recruiting more people and selling more, but at the expense of my integrity. I would have said at the time that it made me a better speaker, but now that I’ve done speaking engagements sober, I KNOW this is not true.
You and I both bonded over our cringey pasts as MLM reps. Looking back, I remember how wine was at seemingly every recruitment event! The prevalence of booze definitely helped normalize my drinking habits. Did it do the same for you?
100%! It gave me more reasons to drink! I drank to recruit, drank to sell, and drank to post on social media. Then I had more things to drink over, because I ended up feeling shameful about those things. Vicious cycle!
Anything you want to add?
Don’t join an MLM :)
Want more of this convo? I recently interviewed Emily on the podcast I co-host with Lisa Smith, Recovery Rocks.
Until next time,
P.S. This issue was edited by Irina Gonzalez.
I never would have linked MLMs to drinking/isolation. I just thought people were trying to make extra money. However, I did notice behavioral changes in a couple of friends trying to sell me stuff I didn't need. Fascinating and enlightening!
I'm so happy to see a "recovery based" outlet publish the obvious fact (to me, at least) that sobriety is personal and has absolutely nothing to do with the drinking habits of others. Even family. I've had to forgo helping people in their journey because of my "unorthodox " views on recovery. That hurts because my experience, my success in recovery, can be helpful to people. I want to be of help and it sometimes feels as if all I've been through is wasted, somehow selfish, in that I'm healthy and happy and others struggle.
My writing rebirth occurred three years into sobriety and it's been the greatest change of my life. The quiet, solitary hours around dawn, pen and paper in hand, provide me a vessel of self understanding and expression that alcohol enabled me to rob from myself. Note that I didn't say alcohol robbed me, I did. Alcohol was simply a tool. I know the whole "cunning and powerful" shtick. It's an inanimate object, I however have Free Will.
I'm now into my 59th month since my last drink. I would love to be able to make a living writing, but write I must.
All the emotional, psychological, and spiritual work I've done bleeds through my pen. If that's the only method available to me, I'll leave something of value behind for anyone who's interested. I feel less selfish in a sense.