How to Pregame Date Night Without Booze
Relying on liquid courage to loosen up? This issue’s for you!
Happy Hump Day! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.
You can now submit questions for future issues here. Can’t wait to hear from you!
This issue covers:
Pregaming for date night & sexy time—no booze required
The benefits of focusing on intimacy rather than sex
Resources about how cancer impacts your sex life
Dear Tawny,
I’m a big fan of sex without alcohol. In fact, my partner and I used to exclusively have (sober) morning sex. A couple of years ago, I had a total hysterectomy where my entire uterus, cervix, ovaries, and fallopian tubes were removed as part of my cancer treatment.
Due to the cervix removal, the top part of my vagina was reconstructed. It took months to fully heal and several more months to gradually stretch it out—but things have gotten easier over time. However, since my surgery, sex requires a lot of planning. This means a lot of stuff I do in advance, including a hot bath, acetaminophen, extra lube, and a glass or two of wine.
We’ve been together for five years, and I’m only in my early 60s, so we have plenty of time to enjoy ourselves, but I feel like I’ve fallen into a habit of “pre-gaming” our sex life. What tips do you have for turning this back around?
- Still Sexy Lady
Hey Sexy Lady! Glad to hear that you’re on the mend from such an invasive surgery. It’s also great that you’re still down to learn new tricks in the bedroom—something we should all embrace more often.
A big part of my work is about how sobriety, or being sober curious, can impact someone’s sexuality and even their relationship with sex. Other big life and physical changes (like cancer) can have a similar effect on someone’s sex life.
Cancer Research UK mentions how cancer treatments can impact body image, libido, energy levels, depression, PTSD, anxiety, and more. It sounds like you’re very in tune with how the hysterectomy impacted your physical body. Just make sure you take time to process the emotional toll of your cancer treatment and surgery, too.
You touched on an integral part of the whole dating and sex thing: pregaming! While some readers may not be recovering from surgery or cancer treatment, pregaming before a date or a sexy time is common. I frequently took shots of whiskey to quell first-date jitters, then drank even more as those dates transitioned into the bedroom. I had no idea how to date sober, let alone have sex with someone new without booze!
While alcohol may relax your body and mind, it may also contribute to vaginal dryness, delayed orgasm, and other alcohol-related sexual dysfunction.
There’s actually a full section in my book on this very topic.
Let’s dive in!
Talk About Pregaming With Your Partner
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of pregaming on your end; I wonder what your partner can do to help.
What are they doing while you’re pregaming? Are they part of your pregaming rituals? Can you two establish shared pregaming rituals?
Broadening your definition of sex (see below) may also help reduce the pressure to perform sexually while decreasing your pregaming activities.
Prioritize Your Intimacy and Connection Together
Talking about what intimacy means to you and your partner is another way to get them involved in your pregaming rituals. We often put so much pressure on S-E-X that we forget the value of intimacy.
Devoting time to and focusing on intimacy may also be helpful. Sometimes giving each other massages or snuggling in bed while discussing your day can be just as satisfying as getting sexual.
Journal or meditate on what intimacy means to you. Has your definition of this word changed over time? Stayed the same? How so?
Ask your husband what intimacy means to him, then share what intimacy means to you. Discuss the overlap and the disparity. There’s always room to grow together!
Esther Perel has a fun card game that may interest you. It’s full of conversation prompts designed to help you feel more connected.
Rethink What ‘Sex’ Means to You
The iconic sex columnist, Dan Savage, frequently encourages his podcast listeners to broaden their definition of sex and narrow their definition of cheating. The latter is for another column, so let’s focus on the former.
Broadening your definition of sex can reduce the stress of needing to engage in certain acts, i.e. vaginal penetration. Good sex doesn’t always have to end in an orgasm; it’s about the physical pleasure and emotional connection you feel in the moment.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds like your pregaming rituals are designed to prepare your body for intercourse. I wonder if you two might benefit from making other sexual activities the main course rather than just the appetizer.
This can look like taking a break from P-in-V penetration to focus on oral sex, mutual masturbation, anal sex (for him and you!), sensation play, and focusing on clitoral stimulation. The OhNut may also be helpful if you experience pelvic floor pain during intercourse.
A Few Additional Resources
Author and public speaker Michelle Elman recently spoke about regaining confidence after experiencing cancer.
This study on how hysterectomies impact women’s sexual function.
This article and this article on how cancer changes your sex life.
Did you learn something new in this issue? Have any advice for Still Sexy Lady? We’d love to hear from you!
Next week’s issue is all about liquid courage and… pegging! If you don’t know what pegging is, check out this essay I wrote for Playboy a few years ago. Subscribe here so you don’t miss out!
Until next time,
P.S. This issue was edited by Irina Gonzalez.
Quite an interesting question. I bet most people do not know what its like post cancer treatment unless they've actually been through it. Your response is packed full of resources....who knew the Queen Esther had a fun card game!?