How Do I Set Boundaries in My Boozy Situationship?

What to do when one person is sober curious, and the other loves to party

Happy Hump Day! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time. You can now submit questions for future issues here. Can’t wait to hear from you!

This issue covers:

• Situationships 101

• Setting boundaries when dating someone who parties harder than you

• How to identify (and address!) codependency

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Dear Tawny, 

I’m a 30-something entrepreneur living in New York City, and I am happily dating around at this point in my life. Right now, I’m in a situationship with a really hot musician who supports my creative endeavors. Plus, we have incredible chemistry in bed. But here’s the thing: I’m sober curious, and enjoying my alcohol-free life more and more each day. Meanwhile, he sometimes drinks heavily and does cocaine—both of which happen more than I’m comfortable with. 

Outside of that, he’s sweet, supportive, and really helpful. He’s my hypeman and always shows up for me in romantic ways. We laugh a lot. And I love how talented and passionate he is about making music. Plus, he doesn’t turn into a jerk when he’s using. It’s just that slight personality change and occasional incoherence that’s bothering me. 

I know he’s not my forever person, but I like my Mr. Right Now. Since it’s not at the point where I want to walk away, how do I set boundaries in this situationship when I know things aren’t likely to change on his end? 

- Not the Booze Police

Hey, not the Booze Police! Thank you for asking such a raw, vulnerable question. There’s a lot to unpack here: situationships, safety, potential risk for codependency, and much more. Let’s dive in.

Situationships

Situationships live in the gray area of romantic relationships falling somewhere between the transactional friends-with-benefits dynamic and the will-you-be-my-partner dynamic. The word situationship (a portmanteau of situation and relationship) implies a bit more credibility than fuck buddies, where you’re probably not hanging out outside of the bedroom. But just a notch above FWB status because you’re probably hanging out in social situations like dinners and social events. There’s enough grey area that you’re probably still being introduced as their “friend”—even though you’re doing things with them that you probably aren’t doing with your bestie. 

It sounds like this situationship dynamic works for where you are in your life. You’re busy and don’t want to commit to a whole relationship thing, but you also want to have fun with someone else. As long as you’re both happy with where the relationship is, there’s no reason to change it. Just keep the communication flowing so you both stay on the same page. 

Signs of Codependency

OK, let’s get to the boozy part. Your moniker “booze police” is so spot on. I’ve definitely felt like the booze police when someone’s drinking concerned me. Nobody wants to feel like someone else is counting their drinks. And feeling like you’re policing someone else’s drinking is the opposite of fun. It’s also not sexy. This imbalance might show up elsewhere in your situationship, too. For me, I learned that my impulse to control others stemmed from codependency.

I felt like fixing them (identifying their drinking problem, giving them resources, etc…) was my responsibility. A therapist friend told me that therapists are taught never to work harder than their clients. Meaning that a good therapist provides support and resources rather than forcing their client to implement their suggestions. It’s the old aphorism of “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink it.”

Attending virtual al-anon meetings and reading about codependency provided tools to manage my controlling impulse. If meetings aren’t your thing, check out resources like the legendary book, Codependent No More and the hilariously helpful podcast, Codependummy. 

It sounds like Mr. Right Now isn’t seeking help or trying to change his relationship with substances. And that’s totally OK. What you need to ask yourself is if his lifestyle supports your lifestyle. Even if you’re not in a committed relationship, you’re still sharing time, space, and sexual energy with him on a regular basis. 

Set Boundaries

I dated a casual drinker in my early sobriety. While I was fine with them drinking around me, kissing them when they tasted like whiskey felt triggering. Apparently, tasting the thing I gave up made me think about giving in to said craving! So they made an effort not to drink around me other than an occasional glass of wine at dinner. That was my boundary; let’s figure out what yours are. 

As you state in your question, setting boundaries when you know this situationship will fizzle out is a tough one. It’s kinda like how I felt before I left my day job recently. Attending staff meetings and having 1:1s with my boss felt pointless when I knew I already had one foot out the door. But I knew I needed to stick it out a little longer to keep my health insurance. So essentially, what are you sticking around for? There are no wrong answers here. But evaluating which boxes Mr. Right Now checks (pun intended!) might help you figure out the role he serves in your life. You might also realize that he’s just not worth the effort. I’m also curious if he’s being as thoughtful as you are, asking for help while navigating the situationship on his end.

Assess Your Safety 

Mr. Right Now seems fine with his lifestyle, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the potential safety risks you might find yourself in while hooking up with someone who parties hard. According to American Addiction Centers, even casual cocaine use raises psychological risks like, “violent, erratic, or paranoid behavior.”  The risk of domestic and sexual violence drastically increases when alcohol is involved. According to the WHO, 55% of domestic abuse perpetrators drank alcohol prior to the assault. If you or someone you know struggles with domestic or sexual violence, please call RAINN at 1-800-656-4673. You can also call or text 988 for free mental health support.

We don’t know why Mr. Right Now binge drinks like he does, but binge drinking and relying on powdered courage is usually a symptom of something larger. Basically, to keep the sexual chemistry that y’all have, set boundaries so you can stay safe, happy, and horny. 

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Hey reader, what advice would you give to Not Booze Police?

Also, you can now submit questions for future issues here. Can’t wait to hear from you!

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Next week’s issue is all about pregaming for sex without booze. Subscribe here so you don’t miss out!

Until next time,

Tawny

P.S. This issue’s artwork is by Anne Porter.

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