Help! I'm Ready to Get Sober But My Partner Isn't

How to set boundaries in a relationship where one person drinks and the other is trying to quit

Happy Hump Day! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.

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Dear Tawny, 

I took the advice you gave another reader and talked to my partner about my sober curiosity… and it backfired. 

We’re in a stable, loving relationship, but now I’m facing a question that I honestly don’t know what to do about. 

What happens if you’re already in a relationship and one person is interested in becoming sober, and one isn’t? 

I am ready to see if sobriety is right for me, but my partner isn’t even remotely interested in trying an alcohol break with me or interested in my sobriety. So now what? 

- Ready to Be Sober

Hey Ready. Ugh, I feel you. This is arguably one of the most challenging and frequent questions I’m asked. There’s even a whole chapter in my book titled How to Date Someone Who Drinks because of how popular your question is.

I’m also asked how to set boundaries in these types of scenarios. People generally understand the concept of boundaries, but they have no idea how to identify their own boundaries, let alone advocate for them—especially when it comes to dating or living with someone who drinks when you’re trying to get sober.

As I write in my book, “There’s a fine line between wanting to help someone and trying to fix them. The former comes from a place of love and concern, while the latter often comes from codependency. It’s not up to you to decide if someone else has a problematic relationship with alcohol, but it is up to you to establish boundaries around their drinking, then communicate said boundaries.”

Here’s a screenshot from my book that can help get you started with boundary-setting.

Screenshot from my book, Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze

This week’s issue of Beyond Liquid Courage is pretty straightforward, with tangible tips to answer your question, Ready. Below, you’ll find additional, exclusive excerpts from my book like:

• How to identify deal breakers

• Signs that you shouldn’t date someone who drinks

• Do’s and Don’ts if your partner might be a problem drinker

• Song & book recommendations

It’s hard to stand up for yourself when you don’t know what your deal breakers are. Here are some tips to get you started: